When Saying “I Love You” Is Hard.

While effortless for some, saying or hearing the words "I love you" can be a source of pain and resentment for others.

A client shared how they grew up in a home where love was openly expressed, and saying “I love you” was as common as diagnosing yourself with a terminal illness based on a simple Google search. The words “I love you” never made them uncomfortable, and as far as they can remember, they were the first to tell their partner those three words—albeit after only a few short weeks. They often ask themselves, could it be that they say "I love you" so easily because they heard it so much growing up? And is that even a bad thing? Their love language, without a doubt, is words of affirmation, and so is their partner’s, so in their case, saying "I love you" doesn’t present a challenge because both enjoy hearing it. But it could have been different. What if their partner felt uncomfortable hearing those words because they didn’t grow up hearing them? The client automatically assumed that because they loved hearing it, others would, too. But that’s simply not the case.

So, what should someone do if their partner doesn’t feel comfortable saying it as often as they would like to hear it?

Learning to express feelings through other methods of communication, such as physical touch and other forms of words of affirmation, can ensure each person feels loved without having to say “I love you” out loud all the time. It might even be helpful to reframe the situation with the old adage, “Talk is cheap, and actions speak louder than words.”

If someone's love language is words of affirmation, what other words might their partner use that don’t make them feel awkward or uncomfortable?

It’s also essential to communicate to a partner why hearing or saying the words “I love you” is so important. However, it’s crucial to first assess whether this issue is worth discussing before approaching the topic directly. How much is it really affecting the relationship? Asking a partner, “Why is it difficult for you to say these words?” can open up a deeper, more meaningful conversation. However, it's important to approach this with understanding and not take their answer personally. Easier said than done, but preparing for this conversation with the mindset that this might not be about oneself can help. As with most things in relationships, compromise and understanding are key, so the partner should also be open to understanding why hearing "I love you" is important. Once couples understand each other’s love languages, communicating effectively becomes easier.

One client shared, "My dad never said he loved me. Suddenly, at age 20, I found myself in a serious relationship where I heard 'I love you' all the time. It was supposed to be wonderful, something most people would want, but I couldn’t stop cringing whenever my partner said it. It was almost as if I didn’t believe him. I didn’t trust that the words were genuine, and he could always tell I was uncomfortable. Eventually, he stopped saying it, and I was confused. That’s when I started to think he had stopped loving me, even though I knew he did… just like my dad did. We decided to pursue couples counseling and finally addressed the elephant in the room. That was the first time I opened up to my partner about my relationship with my father, which brought us closer. I now understand that this isn’t just about someone not saying 'I love you'; it’s a generational thing."

Communication is key. It’s important to express needs and desires openly to a partner. If someone feels uncomfortable doing so, it might be necessary to reflect on the relationship and consider why it’s difficult to verbalize these needs. Are there unresolved intimacy issues? Is there a tendency to avoid certain topics due to fear of conflict or judgment, leading to walls of misunderstanding and unhealthy coping mechanisms?

Remember, we all come from different backgrounds, and not everyone knows how to verbally express their love. Childhood experiences greatly shape who we become and how capable and willing we may be to vocalize emotions. When ready, seeking professional advice can be beneficial. Sitting down together with empathy can go a long way in building effective communication, eliminating confusion, and reducing hurt feelings, especially during emotionally charged interactions.